I hate those women who claim to love pregnancy! Come on - REALLY? Who are you trying to convince? It is not as though if we all own up to feeling like crap for 9 months that women the world over will stop pro-creating!!! Just admit it...some, most or all of it just sucked!!!
Don't get me wrong, my boys are the greatest accomplishments of my life, but really, the journey getting them here, could have gone a little better! Those months leading up to my precious little miracles greeting the world were full of disgusting bodily mis-functions, too many hours praising the porcelain god, really bad moods (just ask my husband) and way too much FAT!! Oh, but the bright side...the other one, you know, besides the birth of the baby...the EXCUSE for all that FAT!
Everyone tells us "Your not fat, your pregnant and beautiful" - SHUT UP! I have a pair of 22W jeans that say your a big liar! And those giant pants will stay on my giant ass until that baby hits a year old because of the other lie/excuse we are given..."Give yourself a break, you just had a baby." Translation (maybe just in my head) "go ahead, have another cookie...you just had a baby!" But they probably have better intentions and just want us to stop worrying about ourselves and take care of the baby. But at some point WE HAVE TO DO BOTH! And guess what, it is totally possible to do both! It is called multi-tasking people, and as mothers, we are hard wired for this task!!! It is as though God said, "You know what, I am going to put women through the grossest, most uncomfortable time of their lives for at least 16-24 months at a time, I should throw them a bone and give them some sort of instinctual ability to deal with all of that crap!" And for that (and soooo many other things) I am grateful and I thank You!!
So how do we take care of ourselves and our new little bundle of joy? Well, you sit down, tell everyone else to shut up, and write down a plan. Figure out what you want and write it down! Now here comes the hard part - OWN WHAT YOU WROTE DOWN!! We need to make sure that we do not fall at the bottom of our own priority list, cause if mamma ain't happy, ain't no one gonna be happy! We are worth an hour alone for a walk, a jog, a bike ride (although this might have to wait until you actually want something between your legs again), do some yoga, take a bath! After all, we just blessed our husband, wife, significant other with the greatest gift - they can honor us by taking care of that gift while we take a break and take care of ourselves for a little while every day. And sometimes, why don't we take a walk together...daddy probably got pudgy too!
One of the hardest things for a new mother to do is give control to another person. But how much control do we have if we refuse to take care of ourselves? I know that was probably a big part of my problem. - here comes the personal part, so bail here if you don't want the details!
I was fit and at a healthy weight when I learned I was pregnant with my first son in 2005. I weighed about 150 and I was active. The moment I found out I was pregnant, it was like the switch went off and I forgot how to take care of me. After a tough pregnancy, bed rest multiple times, a doctor's order to eat more, and of course having the excuse to get fat, I weighed in at a whopping 235 the day of delivery! Oh, and guess what, when came out, he weighed 7 lbs 9 oz, not even close to the 85 lbs I gained! WTF...that weight doesn't just magically leave your body? So after nursing - which, whoever said you burn 500 calories each time was a giant liar...you will not get skinny through breast feeding alone! Sorry, where was I....after nursing and taking care of our new baby boy, by the time I was able to start working out again and get rid of some of the baby weight, I was weighing in at 210. Yikes! It took me awhile, I bought into every excuse I was fed, but I settled at about 180 before pregnancy was upon me again. This pregnancy was not meant to be, and I miscarried.
This was a recurrent theme for the next 2 years. Between 2006 and 2009, we were being treated by a fertility specialist, taking hormones, and I was pregnant 6 more times before it "took." Those years, those losses and all the emotions that go along with that process were, down right awful! It was the most fragile I had ever felt, the most vulnerable I ever allowed myself to be seen. I hated the process, the pain and I hated myself. Until that day...the day I saw my son's heart beating on the screen...the tiny little flutter seemed so damn strong that made me weep uncontrollably with joy and with fear. I knew this was the one, he was going to go the distance...well, I had allowed myself to hope anyway! He did go the distance and he is strong! Although, he was born prematurely, today he thrives and you would never know he didn't bake for a full 40!
His premature birth is something I struggle with on a daily basis. In my heart he was born early because I wasn't healthy enough to carry him to term. I stopped exercising because I was afraid of losing him, I ate a lot because I was afraid he wouldn't be healthy, I lost myself a long time before now, so I hadn't looked in a full length mirror for ages! By the time he was born, I weighed 272 the day I delivered! I was in complete denial about what I looked like, how I felt, how other people saw me and most importantly how unhealthy I was. If I hadn't let myself get to that point, I feel like I could have carried him to term and given him a more healthy start to life. I wouldn't have had to feel the heartbreaking, gut wrenching pain when I saw my husband crying over him in the NICU. I had hit the bottom, and boy-oh-boy, did it hurt!! It would have been so easy to eat away my pain over the next few months...it would have effortless to continue on in denial. I was faced with a fork in my road...one way was easy and the other a super daunting task. But, it really is true...nothing worth anything is easy!
I realized if I ever wanted to be happy with myself, I needed to change things! Since April 7, 2010, I have been on a journey of self. This journey has been difficult, but it is a journey I will not abandon. It is too important to throw away or move beyond. It has given me greater insight as to who I am and what I want out of life. I have embarked on a greater way of being. I have learned how to prioritize and put myself at the top of my list, to cook healthier for my family, to exercise with abandon and find sheer joy in my exhaustion. I have learned that I am not the fat girl that lingers in my head, but the athlete who is pushing her aside and racing forward! I have figured out how to be a better mother and wife and live to be a role model for my children and anyone else!
Today, I feel strong, I feel confident, I feel sexy, I feel AMAZING! I am not at my goal weight, but I didn't start this as a means to an end....there IS NO END in my sights!! Today I weighed in at 160 lbs and to celebrate, I went to the gym! I have, literally, become an athlete. I ran my first race ever in September, another in December, another in January. I completed an indoor triathlon in March and I plan to complete a sprint distance triathlon in May...and who knows what after then. The point is, I AM DOING IT and there is nothing that is going to stop me from BEING THE BEST ME I CAN BE!!!
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